poise and promotion

lust will not satisfy the love we search for

for the former comes from the devious delves from within

at the core of carnality lies cares unawares unbeknownst to the knower but

lover, tis over.

heckling and hurling about with haste to finish but 

stop

and feel the cool breeze through trees

shut lids, see the unseen, feel the unfelt, and dwell amongst those who search for the soul.

should you see that they are spaced away, with a hedge of protection around you

reassuring safety and comfort.

and it all fades away

to stray and hold at bay the noise and commotion broken by a door

from which pours a single man, dark as the night, blue as the bright

bidding a good evening

CLS 330

This J.R.R. Tolkien class simply won't let me believe anything else than the fact that Tolkien was a literary, philological, etymological, creationist, cartographic genius that somehow poured far too many names of places and people into Middle-earth as to make it simply believable and true.

The anachronistic nature of the world blends his England with Medieval times and births the ideal world in which adventure is not just a necessity, but is king.

col, id, age.

the wrecking ball stalls the call to follow the 

bent and twisted destroyed and crisp-ed rainy

days are ways aways for strays stay for layman

hey, man, really?  

for a pretty penny i’ll move it (tow) two (to) fields.

try a fourteen thousand pennies plus

i must bust out of the doubt and shout

the clever fever rises in me.

to cry to try to bide my time.

i’ll find a way when my heart doesn’t strain with worry sorrowing

continually borrowing green hit the lean teen with my machinist’s creation

i was going to fix but now it’s left for picks nix the nacks flack attacks.

the mark

sincreasingly taking my heart and pushing the spirit

idiosyncratically devolving my love from inside to deeper

as a son sets inside itself, cause and effect assume position, respectively.

known it was, but symptoms rarely spell the superfluous rituals false

it must be torture, delving inside to something that does not exist

inside the self.  to look for meaning where it has been pushed away

the meal

simple food and drink to ease our re-minds

serving to everyone, preparing the way, calling to die.

striking the core of what is left, re-minding surroundings.

salt-filled hair, hearts and eyes holding it down.

telling the times, staying the table golden.

give up, forget to remember.

the mess.

it calls for trust it calls for breaking

responding with tears at my heart blistering stone until it is no more

hard granite melted mightily, raining does not delay departure

found it is in that gran granorum, corpus corporum, vita vitarum

gras y pas find a home in the heart of hearts

in the heat of heat it brands itself upon a miry, selfish and hopeful souladarity.

to blindly trust in hope of knowing.

it won't leave me.

I live in a constant state of disarray.

Of perpetual sorrow.

But I choose it every time.

Fight you say?  And to what end?  To fail again?

Perhaps.  Is growth ensued through victory, then to merely be tarnished and trampled by defeat?

I fear this is the case, and that my lot in life has been cast in the cosmos.

Perhaps there is hope in what little I know of grace.

My catharsis. Ramble about your sodding feelings, why don't you?

My soul yearns it’s burny and churny

Like Bill Ferny’s who was sent to attack with the Riders in Black

And I can’t put a finger on the feeling that lingers 

Inside my mind the rhyme of time blinds and finds the winds of my minds eyes

I want that love I want it back I want Billy Ferny to attack

But I want it different I want it smarter, barter?

Beards and weirds and fears and tears.

My heart longs for You.

Won’t you fill me up with You?  

Where are you?  Why do I doubt?  Why does my mind’s eye have a looming snippet of faith that wants to hold but wants to be bold and told to mold to knowledge, not Knowledge.

Distraction is the faction and reaction of action and passion

I want to hold it.  I want to be, I want it.  Won’t you fill me up with You?

Won’t You come if you are?  If you will be, if you ever have been?

I find some solace in tunes and grooves that move my delight the flight of brainwaves that acknowledge Knowledge but follow shallow, hollow, willowing thoughts and action.

Why can’t I find the reason for pleasin’ my cheesin’ teasin’ teeth, but really.  Not partially, in a way that I feel is real but kneel to peal the eely, oily, coily, boily scabs off of my soul from the wounds that hounds found round the town of my deepest, utmost in my lowest, drowning farther down than you could begin to find meaning or reason or despair. 

But it is full of despair.  One that is found but not identified.  That is prominent but has no face.  

You cannot recognize this feeling.  It looms and wounds the soul pull towards lulling and mulling myself into a reason feasible enough

tou

gh You

say.  Maybe you care.  Maybe I no longer recognize it as a name, but an entity that maybe does indeed hear me when I cry out but does not answer in my time.  in My. time.

How selfish for the selfless and barbaric for the civilized.

Should I waver, should I stray?  No, I’ll stay for the promise I know you gave me.  But is it there to bear: a beautiful mare?..

Ee age.  

A signal too subtle to single out the stupid.

Snippets of wealth in an otherwise wordy structure.  You’ll find them.  Keep what you like, discard what you hate.R

Some things seem such a beautiful opportunity.

But the better judgement inside my head override that of the heart, speaking leagues of knowledge about the heart, protecting it.

That is something I need to continue to lean on.

As long as I don't get too heady.

tomorrow

Is the day I leave for the beautiful country of Cameroon.

Pray the Lord's will is done there.

I don't know what is going to happen, but whatever it is, it's going to be great.

Welcome, listener.

Stop pulling my eyelids up, floating melodies

You trickle down my ear canal into the recesses of my audio-translation-cavity of my cerebral cortex

l

With an endless attack on my

brain, pleasing the ears, staying awake the eyes

I forbid you to

en(d)..ter, but welcome

you to my selfish self who wants nothing morethantogiveupeverthingi

nm y

lif

etoGodwhowillnolongerbediss

a

pointed.

at leasthat is my wish.  He gave the gift to 

hear with my ears the beauty of life and the power these waves have crashing into the holes in my head.  Pulsing my brain continues to read, write, and not tire, yet exhuast.  Sending elation to my soul, which is impossible.  Where does it go?  It eminates through the body to create an aura in which the soul is confined.  Freed.  You run around like I used to.

But not depressed (down-and-out, more so), with a windy toy and old portraits.  I had that once, the music used to play.  But it plays no more.  Not the music I long for.  The music I wish to never have again.

I wish I could hear it again.  Right?  Yet I push it away from my soul because I feeaaaarrr what might happenagainifidrownmyselfinit.

I am not careful, and that is my problem, my fear.  It may take me over if I do not take myself and control my eyelids now, and then, and even then will it matter to me that I must take into account when not to only close my eyelids but also my soul to perhaps to a bird or horse or dog that may again try to steal it I stay away from them all.  

But they are one, and I want them together but in a different form and I will one day have it.

If it is in His will.  Thank God I don’t have to do this on my own.

Seriously. 

Thank You.

ἁγιασμὸς

I've been so worried in my life about my calling and not knowing what it is or not knowing what I want to do with my life (or rather what He wants to do with my life).  I do try to give my life to Christ on a daily basis, telling Him I am willing to go wherever God will me.  I hope I will go when he calls, and I ask for that spirit in my life.

However, in "searching" for my calling, I have come up empty handed, because I can not find it.  I have to wait on the Lord for that one.  I wait on His command in my life, and in the meantime, live under His will as He commands.  Trying to live by 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 is one way I am following His will:

3It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4that each of you should learn to control his own body^a in a way that is holy and honorable, 5not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God;

 I feel that this is my calling now, to be sanctified (or holy).  Not just in this particular area, but in all areas.  In areas of speech (James 3:9-10), mind (Phillipians 4:8) and body, as this verse points out.  It is the calling of a Christian to be sanctified.  It is God's will.  I am asking God to continually sanctify me with the Grace he has so generously poured out through His son Jesus Christ, who died for us.  

I was reminded of what Jesus did for me on Sunday when we were taking communion.  The pastor always says that the purpose of communion is to remember and reflect on what Christ has done for us, as Christ said in Luke 22:19:

 "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me... This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you."  

It is easy for me to lose site of this Grace and Mercy that has been poured out for us and the Joy that the Lord gives us because of our freedom from sin.  I am thankful that I attend a congregation that does this weekly, so that I my be reminded of the reason for my freedom.  But I should not have to be reminded, it should merely be another opportunity for me to reflect on what the Lord has done.  I don't focus enough on His death and how much it means for us.  I take it for granted far too often.

Something I need to work on.  I thank Him for everything else in my life, but leave out His death for me a lot of the time.  Even when I do, I am not truly reflecting on what He did for me, but merely saying it out of habit.  Not that I should always focus on what He did for me, but I need to remember to bring that to the forefront of my mind every now and again in order for me to remind myself why I am striving to live by the will of God: to be sanctified.  

Pray that I will become pure and blameless in all areas, so that I may echo the life of Christ, who was the "sinless, spotless Lamb of God" (1 Peter 1:19) (Not that I ever will be spotless while here in this life, but that I may strive to be).   I pray this for the church as a whole, that we may one day see the Glory of God and here Him say those six words that we all long to hear from His lips.

Move in my life, Lord.  Sanctify my body, mind and speech.




Postscript: Please do not think that I knew all of this scripture.  I, unfortunately, knew very little of it and had to research it in order to know the fullness and location of the verses.  In no way am I trying to look like a biblical scholar, but merely trying to give reference to the thoughts that I have had so that the reader may simply see that what I am writing is backed by biblical teachings, and not my own thoughts.  Praise be to God, and Him alone, who speaks through this book in a powerful voice.

kids, man

Thank God for the ones who have allowed me in their lives. Not that I am not a kid, but the pseudo(fabricated)-gap between the high schooler and college student is enough for them to look to you and enough for me to learn from them. I can't even begin anywhere, so I'll just touch on the the overarching theme of WEAG Seek Youth Choir Tour 2011.

These kids love God.

With a passion that is undying and unashamed. They have no qualms praising him anywhere, wether on a beach boardwalk, city park or in a church. I have never seen a group of 100+ kids worshiping like they did. To paraquote the song "Praise Him in Advance," by Marvin Sapp, "They started singin', they started clappin', they started dancin', people were laughin'. The people knew they had problems and pain, but the kids knew that God did and would take them away."

These kids love the Lord. They are unashamed to spread his name on the busy streets of New York city and are uninhibited when it comes to praying for strangers. The fact that they touched so many peoples lives with their music was incredible, but that isn't even the half of it.

They found Him. A deeper meaning of who He is and shared His love to those who needed it. And they cared. Not about what they thought, but what about He wanted to do through them.

Being able to go on a choir tour again has been a beautiful experience for me. It was such an encouragement and I have learned a ton from these kids about what it means to really surrender yourself to Jesus Christ.

They are all beautiful.

I'm back at it

Well, as I had posted on a WordPress account a few days ago, I am getting back into this whole blogging thing. However, this seems to be the place to do blogging, and seeing that I already have an account here with some ancient posts (that are rather ignorant now that I look back on them), I decided to just stick with this one. Sorry Hevah J. It's just already here and is easier for me to use.

That being said, I will post a thought or something.

So. Yes, a thought.

Hmm. Well, this summer has been great. I've really been enjoying it and have had a great time interning up at WEAG and hanging out with all the crazy kids that go there. We leave for choir tour tomorrow, which will take us to Ocean City, MD, New York City, Utica, NY, and somewhere in PA. Should be a blast. I'm running techie stuff, so hopefully I will learn a lot about that!

I hope that you all can keep me and all of the kids and leaders that are going in your prayers for the next week or so. We are going in order to spread the love of Christ up and down the east coast, and I pray that not only the lives of those that will hear the music and the message that we bring them, but that also our kids would be touched and their faith would deepen (or begin, for those who have not yet heard or perhaps accepted the Call). I pray that you all are well and that everything is going well. I will try to find an iPhone app or something from which I can post little mini-blogs while I am gone, as I will not be bringing my computer along with me on the tour. Love you all, God bless!

I'd like to know. What you think.

Ignored

Sir Nicholas Beard

Small.

Pulling

to feed not only itself.

It continues.

Unrelenting, unyeilding

As a horse drawing carriage.

Work ethic of an ox

struggling, striving, straining

With knowledge of the fact that those

He lives with will die if he does not finish the task

I watch as it continues

Grabbing, grasping, grappling, gripping

the wafer pushing itself to its physical capabilities

after taking a break, but then he (she?) continues the effort.

Such strength from such a minute creature; Selfless and loving.

It teaches me, as I watch. I am

learning, living, laughing, longing, logging

the lesson I might learn from this unique creature.

How much it is exerting itself, how much the sluggard

could learn from it. But many will ignore the lesson God

allows us to experience through such a simple, small creature.

Many would say

Annoying

Nothing

Troublesome

I would say

Astonishing

Noteworthy

Tremendous

and now for something completely different.

So, we had air band last night at our school. A few friends and I decided it would make people smile if we did our own rendition of the Yes Dance. For those of you who haven't seen the original Yes Dance, here's a link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyqUj3PGHv4

Here's our rendition:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLRgHHbX1jg

Hope you enjoy :)

crushed, bro

Yeah it's old news. But now it's for REALS. And it hurts, for reals. Hey, I'll be okay. God's got a plan for me that's bigger than all of this. I think I know what I want, but it's not what I want. I want what God wants. And he's gonna give me that jam that's so sweet there'll be no(one)thing sweeter. Stoked about it hardcore, but kinda still bummin'.

You got this G-man, it's all you. Take it dude, I don't need it. But I still want to hang on to something that is too far gone and impossible to have.

I gotta put the past behind me man. I can't change it. There's nothing to do. I've made my decision, and it was the right one. I hate that I had to make it, but I had no choice. Is was that, or live in half-brokenness for the rest of my life.

How can I be beneficial to the Kingdom like that? I'm surrendering it. It's done. It's behind me.

I'm happy, and happy for everyone involved. I hope all goes well in all situations, I would never wish harm on any(one)thing. I'm stoked about it now. I'm happy for that situation. It's great :)

Hopefully we've all learned something from all of this. Hopefully we make changes to better ourselves. Hopefully we can live, love, and be in Joy for the rest of our lives.

I'm content. Patient. Waiting. Patiently? Maybe.

Not enough I'm sure. Circumstances will be engineered. Can I grasp what the future holds? Only when it's there in front of me. Until then it's futile. Be, live, love, grow (in Joy). That's where I have to be. That's where I'm gonna be.

That's where I am.

Right now.

It's my decision. That's what it's gonna be. Done.






I feel better.

round dos.

Here's a narrative one about my brother. He means a lot to me, so I thought I might write one about him. Here it is :)

(non) Sense

Sir Nicholas Beard

The jeep rolls into the driveway, a welcoming sound to my ears

(as my brother is now home: so close so near).

His footsteps are heavy on wooden stairs.

The door creeks and squeaks, the cold stands up my hairs.

I mock sleep, pretending to grow awake.

The springs of his mattress, they scream, they shake.

Welcoming… a warm feeling of safe.

I wonder what he ponders, as his weary eyes strafe.

We talk of nothing, but it is never nonsense. It is never this, but truly, it is.

Deep discussions avoid the room, as oil avoids water.

The drone of the fan is like that of the wheel, full of clay, of the potter.

But all this matters little, because we grow.

We grow through this, and oh, it shows.

We are building a foundation for a tower that will stand the test of time,

and we hold steadfast to these conversations, we will find them to keep us in line.

Who knows if he enjoys these moments (of insignificant importance) but I do.

And he must as well, this (at least) I hope is true.

poetry? what?!?!

I'm taking a poetry class this semester, so I thought I might post some of writings here just to have them in one more place than just my Poetry folder on my desktop. So, here's the first one we had to write for our class. It was a word list poem, so if it doesn't make sense, don't worry: it's not necessarily supposed to. It can though. I mean it does to me :)

Joy Horns

Sir Nicholas Beard

Softly braiding the scarf

the younger gypsy mirrors the action:

silk floating through the same.

Slicing the plum, swallowing through

throat holding stale, colorless

medallions… grinning. Hawks

push the winding river

onward as sun rolls back sky pillows

across the globe.

Lips blow:

over glass bottle-rim.

Merchants wash ancient cups outside

the theatre, filling pool over again.

Branches lifted over musty temple while

putrid egg’s lift into soft winds.

The worn, wretched clock

sings through cedars

while mannequins mold to respective

porches. Makeshift wooden crutches

roll onto the road

as children

push and comb through

tall, crunchy leaf-mounds, pulsing

with Joy that only

horns can shout.

Inception haters, listen up.

If you haven't seen this film yet, don't worry about it. I tried to keep this spoiler free, but I don't say I didn't warn ya. Now, to start my rant.

I was looking on Rotten Tomatoes, and currently it's rating is 86% on this date. I looked at some of the rotten reviews, and these people writing these reviews must just be idiots. They must have just not understood it, or just don't appreciate smart films. That film was SO brilliant.

First of all, let's think about who we're talking about here. It's freaking CHRISTOPHER NOLAN. One of the most brilliant directors of the current film age. Everyone and their grandmother saw The Dark Knight, and that movie alone was enough to put elevate him and expose the more "popular movie" going crowd to some of his other fantastic films, such as one of my favorites, Memento. Also, The Prestige is another mind blowing film of his. These are just two of the other 9 films he has directed. Nolan does not make bad movies. Period. He never has, and never will. Though I have not seen all of them, IMDB is a pretty reliable site when it comes to how good or bad movies are, and all of his are ranked high.

Second of all, these reviewers must have so much brain damage from their recreational drug and alcohol usage in their hippie years that they don't know a beautiful film when they see one. Everything in this film from the lighting, the special effects, the super slow motion, the story progression, the story structure, the filming and shots, the ideas, and the 10 YEARS HE FREAKING PUT INTO THIS STORY (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-quotable-chris-nolan-on-why-inception-took-10-years-to-make/) prove this film is fantastic.

Thirdly, I can understand if these types of movies are not your cup of tea. That's fine. There isn't one movie that is universally loved. However, no one can say anything bad about the minute details that Nolan could have simply left out (which would not have hurt the story), but thought of and decided to add them in to make this film that much more of a masterpiece.


In one particular scene, when he is explaining to Fischer that he is in a dream, and everyone stops and starts to look at him (because SPOILERSSSSSSSSS they are invading a dream, and the projections are starting to realize that someone else is in the dreamers dream...), every shot that is taken of Fischer and Cobb has someone in the background who is staring at them (though they are not in focus on the camera). As soon as Cobb settles down and Fischer follows suit, the background characters go back to their business as normal. All at once.

Now the projections do this when they are in focus, to prove a point. But the fact that Nolan has these characters do this when they aren't even the main focus of the shot shows the effort he put into this. And that's just one example.

These reviewers are straight stupid. If you don't like the movie, fine. But be objective and don't let your movie tastes get in the way so much that you say a great movie that is really a masterpiece as far as cinematography goes is garbage and lacking comprehensibility. Just be more intelligent and stop hating.

/rant.

don't do this

the most terrible thing you can do in life is make someone hate their own being.

Praises all the time

I praise you in this dark hour. You are glorious, even in the pain you allow. It hurts, and no end seems in sight, but you, Oh Lord, are mysterious in your ways. You turn the bleak into bright, the dead into life, pull us out of toil and strife. This pain is here, and I thank you for it. I hate it Lord, but I know good will come, just as before it. I hate this so much, and I pray you take it from me. I will praise you in every thing I do, even if it is in pain and trouble. I love you Lord, help me walk in your path.